my beautiful insanity

story of a lonely boy

2008-09-30T04:29:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time
there was a boy
A very sad lonely boy
Who wanted above all things
to be loved

Now this boy had a very hard life
Nothing came easy for this boy, and he learned
that what he wanted he couldn't always have
No matter how much he desired and craved

So the boy made due
He lived without really existing
Went through today
Just to get to tomorrow

But one terrible day he met someone
That would change his world and future
For quite awhile
Both his heaven and hell
Yes you guessed it
It was a girl

From the start both the boy and girl
Were hiding
Deep dark secrets
Both afraid to open to the other
For fear of being hurt
Then left

The girl opened up
And eventually so did the boy
They loved without holding back
They were soulmates

Until one fatefull day
She left
Without a word
And the boy feared the inevitable
That she wouldn't come back to her

As time went by the boy
was able to heal
And move on
He found what others dream for
The lonely boy was finally
Loved.
Truly madly loved
For simply being him.

Many many years later both
The boy and the girl
Are able to look back and
Smile at what they held
For a short time

Because they both know
That neither can be replaced
In heart and mind
Or soul

emptiness

2008-09-23T04:41:00.000-07:00

I held the line between doing fine and hardly alive.. and with my spoken words, I shook and shattered the vibe.. in my experience from life in the street, I've been there and back again; I've broken my body so that I could start again.. I've got to hold myself together, cause I've still got forever.. enjoy the glance as my shadows dance along my second chance and the gift of future romance.. unlucky from the feet-up, but I'd never give up, at least not without saying goodbye.. they'll never know who I really am, they could never know the colors that course through the veins that lie beneath the flesh that holds me where I stand.. they are blinded by my fascade, fooled by the one thing that I can alter - my exterior, and my claws that cut into the wall, from my chamelean body that changes shades like the oranges and reds of the fall.. I've become so tired of standing, and have eased myself down to the floor in this room behind closed doors, where I've begun to learn what all of those aches and pains were in preparation for..

crayons

2008-07-25T06:09:00.000-07:00

life is like a box of crayons..

at birth, you're given a great big box of them to share and add color to your life.. some colors get used more than others.

sometimes, a crayon gets broken.. a bright color gets snapped in half and tossed in the garbage can, never to be returned.. sometimes you keep coloring.. sometimes you can't.. that color was important..

sometimes a crayon is gained, shared between two people.. that color might be just perfect, and works great.. other times it's a different shade, but it will make do..

but, there is always one color left in the box..

black..

it's normally unused until death.. it's used to frame the picture.. to add the final border to the coloring board of life..

some people use it.. they color onto other's pictures with it.. sometimes their own..

they use it to scribble out portions of the picture.. sometimes the portion isn't that important.. sometimes it is..

sometimes there are multiple blacks in the box when you open it for the day.. sometimes there's only one, or it isn't even there..

it all depends, really..

all depends on the crayon box..

------------------------------------------------------

just me trying to bounce back from depression and not cry..

I might try to add more and stuff, but I can't think right now.. mind's just scattered.

I am back

2008-07-20T15:31:00.000-07:00

someone might say I am crazy or foolish to be here again.. but I need this.. I need to know that, though I have grown, a part of me from two years ago is still alive, the me that I was has not died..

why am I here? for a new beginning.. it is not for her, though it may be because of her.. I am here for me..

behind every smile

2006-06-27T22:18:00.000-07:00

Whenever something upsets me sitting at my computer, usually alone, with no one to turn to, the only people I think to talk to are online friends. There are some friends that have been there for me through some really bad stuff.

But why is it, that when I'm sad or depressed, my real friends never even know about it? They have no idea how much I go through just getting up in the morning. They don't even know I suffer from depression at all. I don't feel like they want to listen to me, or even talk to me when I'm down. When I try, the conversations just get turned around and everyone talks about something else. No one wants to hear me, no one wants to care.

But why is that?

The internet is a cruel place for meeting people who you feel connected to much more than any person in the real world. Rhea is probably the only person who knows me as well as she does. I tell her the things I should be telling my real friends, but somehow I can't, I feel restricted by them. Like if I were to suddenly be different, it would be unacceptable. Being sad isn't allowed, being depressed is a no-no...

and being angry... now that's even worse.

Since I met James, my best friend I guess is what I would call him, we were always together. Me, him and others too. But somehow I am still the one left on the side lines. I used to come into school hearing about the great times my friends had all had without me. Back then I put it down to the fact that I lived in the neighbouring town to them and obviously I couldn't always be included in some things. But when we left school... nothing changed.

In fact, in some ways it was worse. James had become friends with a boy that we used to hate in school and another jerk named Mark who lived just around the corner become part of our new group of friends. Just us this time, and not really anyone else. But it wasn't really us at all... it was me and them. They were the group and I was me. I was the side liner again. The person who heard the "remember when this happened..." stories and the one who tried my best not to show how much it killed me inside to be unwanted.

Unwanted... such an "emo" word. But that's what I was. Mark probably unintentionally drove me out with hisdrawings of them three of them, and her insistance on calling the three of them "the gang". James pretended to dislike it all and always told me about how crap this night was, and how boring that day together had been... But I knew it was all lies. I'm sure it was nothing like he claimed and it was his lame attempt at sparing my feelings. But they were not spared.

No one would even come to see me. When I had been left in my house all alone with no one there, surrounded by pictures of the only person who ever listened to me, the only person who was there when I couldn't sleep because of all the horrible thoughts that drove me out of school and into the truancy books... no one came to help me through it. I asked James to come, and as I remember his excuse was; "I don't have any money, I just spent it all on drink."

Since I was 11 years old, right up until this very day... it continues. I begin to wonder if there is actually something horribly wrong with me. Am I not fun to be around? Am I morbid and depressing? Do I make people feel uncomfortable? Do I not make good impressions on new people?

I ask myself over and over why am I like this? Why am I always so alone? The only answer I got was from an ex-girlfriend. Wherever she is now, I guess I should thank her for being the only one honest enough to tell me her reasons for not wanting to be around me. She said she couldn't deal with my emotional hang-ups. She couldn't be around someone who hated themselves. She would compliment me and I wouldn't accept it, she would tell me she loved me and I would insist it was all a lie. I started believing some time ago now, that I'm not worthy of anyones love or attention or concern. No one has ever really cared in the past, and it was always accepted and no one ever said "this isn't right".

Over the years, I've been conditioned by my friends, my family, girlfriends and school to believe I'm not good enough. That I'm not worth anyone's time or effort. But you know what? I'm just a product of their own negligence. I was often accused of being a sado who sat on the internet all day, well... I'm only what they made me.

No more "it was a last minute thing" or "we didn't think to invite you" and "well you work that day, so we didnt bother asking". If I'm not worth this piss poor effort, then am I even really their friends? I wonder if someone asked them about me... would they know anything at all?

So again I think, that the internet is a cruel place for meeting people who you feel connected to much more than any person in the real world. I feel like the only people who ever gave a damn live too far away to matter. I love my online friends but... at the end of the day, when I'm sitting in my room, crying because I was completely forgotten once again, who do I turn to?

I guess, the answer is the same one I've had to face for the past years.

No one.

the truth about forever..

2006-05-26T01:45:00.000-07:00

When you think about forever...
What comes to mind?
Love?
Well, what is love?
But a constant occurrance when you're young?
You remember..
Every day someone new...
The term "I love you"
Is terribly over used.

When you consider forever...
How long is it, really?
A year of mourning.
A month of fooling around.
A week of hell.
A day of fun.
This point in time?
The time we spend waiting
Is always too long.

When you imagine forever
Who are you with?
Naturally, the one you love.
Who'll you'll love today.
And hate tomorrow.
Then love again the next day.
Are you really loved at all?
I think you'll be shocked
To find yourself alone.

When you see yourself in forever
Where are you?
Is it really where you want to be?
With that girl who loves herself and not you.
With that girl who won't shut up.
With your lover who really doesn't satisfy the way you'd perfer.
With a friend who isn't what they claim.
Surely this isn't where you pictured yourself
In years past.

When will you find the truth about forever?
Why do you want to know?
Are you afraid?
You weren't before-
You weren't even curious
Too many questions have been left unanswered
Why doesn't time answer them?
From here to enternity, we will never know
The truth about forever.

Realisations

2006-04-24T02:14:00.000-07:00

...realisations make for lonely nights and mornings

i realised that i was completely alone..
i had nothing to take my mind away
and sleep refused to hold me

i couldnt call whom i always called
at least before and after

i had no idea what id say to one
and what that one would do in response
but think i am worthless and an irritation

the other
self-explanatory
it was late

so i was alone

nothingness

2006-04-02T22:35:00.000-07:00

well wat can i say its hard work doing nuthin. i feel sooooo damn tired and its only * looks at clock* 10:30 pm. today sucked cos i started the day by getting grilled by my mum about gettin a job then i was continued to be bothered by people wanting things. and to top it off my internet is cut off this month. i need a life or someone elses to share. now excuse me why i slip into something more comfortable....

until next time cya

shadows...

2006-03-20T22:54:00.000-08:00

Sometimes... the dark thoughts take over.

Like black little soldiers
They all stand in line
These tormenting demons
These shadows in my mind

These shadows have names
They are the people all around
The ones who betrayed me
And left me dead on the ground

They play their twisted mind games
And tell deadly little lies
Those who are sorely mistaken
If they think I'll give up and die

Shadows leave ugly marks
Stains upon my soul
These shadows know no shame
That have me in their control

In the fading midnight
Dark thoughts turn black
And so I scream into the night
"I want my soul back"

a book of my pain

2006-03-12T01:16:00.000-08:00

ui feel the need for heartwrenching poetry...
it's been pouring from my fingers lately

...and I ended up writing this

hidden behind,
these fakse smiles of mine,
my heart is bleeding,
inside I'm crying.
bloody and beaten.
crippled and cold.
my dying life,
my defeating soul...

food for thought

2006-03-01T22:43:00.000-08:00

In this world, there are only two types of people. The Clever and the Used.

The Clever are rare and far spread ...they prefer to stay out of each other's way.
The Used are common and clump together like cows ...they feel safer that way.

The clevers are the achitect. They create, build, and rebuild your wasted dreams. The used, the mindless, hollow eyed masses will obey thier every command. Thier useless mind is more valuable than gold and richer than thick blood.

No matter which nation they're in, they're all the same. The clever are the power, the used are the fuel. Stupid people are the ultimate undying resource, a never ending fountain of wealth in which the clever will feed.

can nothingness be so wasteful?

2006-02-24T01:23:00.000-08:00

I feel as if I'm wasting my life. Like I could amount to so much more, but I don't want to. For some reason, I enjoy being a failure. Because when you always fail, you can't set yourself up to actually be good at anything and risk failing at that, hence getting hurt. My logic may not make much sense, but I see it this way; if you don't set standards for yourself, there's nothing you have to live up to. I feel like I should be studying hard and doing everything else the average nineteen year old is doing to further his or her life. But when I think about the future, I feel sick. It's so much responsibility, so much freedom, no security. I can't handle that right now. I know the minute I'm given complete freedom, I will abuse it to the best of my ability, because that's what I do best. And that scares me, my lack of self control. I take everything to an extreme, no happy medium for me. I'm tired of wasting oxygen, sitting around, lamenting about my troubles.

random thoughts...

2006-02-17T11:14:00.000-08:00

I was reading about some people.. and I realized how interesting they are.. and how I strived to be the way they are once.. I also realized how much I failed in that. As well as realizing that I've been pretending lately.. I feel nothing. Maybe now, after this apathetic phase passes, I can go back to the normalcy of my darkness. It's pleasant that way.

i dont think we can help it sometimes.. as being around people rubs off on us.. it's strange, because as we meet people and they become part of our life for a while, even if it is a short time..they claim a part of us.. we can be who we are, and yet we have a part of them as well (and they a part of us).. and we do certain facial expressions or quirks they had first.. it's strange because it spreads around.. sometimes i can tell who spends time with who i want to be my own self.

its hard with others around.. because if i see something i like in someone.. i eventually realize that later i was mimicking them.. and i notice they mimick me .. not sure how i feel about it all.. but this is how people grow.. exposed to others--thoughts, actions, opinions, creativity.. at some point i like it, because i wouldnt be who i am today.. but at another point, i ..dont.. because part of me wants to be a complete individual, unique from everyone else in all aspects.. but i know that is impossible because of how closely interpersonal relationships affect everyone

That's all I can think of for the cause of this numbness. I can't say I mind; never liked myself anyway, why feel anything when my body is giving me sweet release?

I hate myself.

The dark thoughts of a lonely soul

2006-01-15T20:07:00.000-08:00

Hello all

Most people know that I don't often discuss personal things in my journal very often- I used to prior to my poem writings...

I'm a pretty private person but occasionally I do record certain milestones or special occasions...I just don't devote that much time to journal writing and truthfully I try to purposefully stick to business when I'm on here but I figured I'd say a few things this time out;

Long has it been since I've done really of anything... not that it seems to matter though, for there are not many that really care.

However for those that do, I wish to say "hi" and let you all know that I am still living and breathing, though I ask myself why some times...

As of late I have "loved" and lost, but to no big deal to me, for the lost part has driven away some friends that I had thought were friends... but I guess not.

*sigh*

Over the past few months, I've made friends and lost some, but worry not all that are here, I have not forgotten about you, and in fact, there is a good few that I do truly miss. Those of you know who you are, and those who don't, can always hope.

but enough rambling from me today, I will write again some time... mabie... I don't know... but keep watching, you never know what you'll see or miss.

workin

2005-12-17T22:49:00.000-08:00

Not posted on here for a while..,

So what has changed...

Well, I got me a job. I work at netplay, as a game assistant. I started about a month ago, not to bad so far. My co workers are good guys. I also hav other part time jobs apart from it ..its really tiring. But other than that, Im doing pretty good all in all. And thank all you that have kept in touch, it's been gettin kinda lonley. But I'll make it through. Well I need to go. I'll update ya'll when somethin new happens.

left behind...

2005-12-07T05:30:00.000-08:00

I really dont have time to post....but I felt I must post something today so here it is....tell me what you think....^.^

So unfair
how I’m left behind,
left to wonder why,
to ponder and question my fate,
why I am alone and unloved?

No one cares for my body
not my mind
or my soul;
left alone as a drifter
from one event to the next
just the extra that isn’t needed.

The one who stands guard
while the others are paired,
all wandering those halls
as I’m at the beginning
never starting
or completing my journey,
just left behind
like all the other times.

I see the couples,
feel their love flow through my very veins,
but it’s not my own;
so painful and fulfilling
all at the same time
to feel so much emotion,
but then know it doesn’t belong to you.

I’m left behind
just like before,
all alone
standing as the wind blows.

My only companion
the breeze that swirls around me
while they find warmth
in each other’s embrace.

So cold,
here I am alone,
left behind
just like before…

dumb

2005-10-09T21:37:00.000-07:00

funny how people creep sleepwalking into or out of your life. i wish everything would just leave me alone.im tired. i tune out. these old walls laugh at me as i sleep my ambitions away. i wake. i feel so different.drowning myself. drowning myself. drowning myself. drowning myself. drowning myself.someone please tell me i'd be lying if i said i hated everything about me.

its nearly a month...

2005-10-01T23:06:00.000-07:00

Nearly a month since I posted anything new...
and I haven't really wrote anything new, either, so I posted some just to do so I really need to make more time to come on, and I know I keep saying I will, but I always forget!
anyway, I think my heart is cracking. it may shatter soon.

Where Will it End?

2005-09-01T06:28:00.000-07:00

This actually....is about someone, I don't want to go into details, even though I should... god, I feel so awful even though I was the one who predicted and warned about it....

I tried to say something,
something that would sound right,
maybe to warn you,
not to start a fight.

I tried to tell you you were too attached,
I told you it would hurt,
but instead you said I wasn't right,
and that with you it'd never end.

Instead,
I was shoved away,
though I knew it wasn't right.
I tried to say this something would come back to bite.

Treasure it while it lasts,
love with an open heart.
Just don't go too far in,
or you'll wake with a start.

You can't change fate,
you can't control,
I'm sorry,
God is not your part to play.

Standing here,
it's like falling into a pit.
I want to say I told you so,
but I could never hurt you.

Whether they be terror or joy,
all things must end,
I just pray that some things won't,
s long as you're my friend.

my soul

2005-08-31T06:48:00.000-07:00

Last night, as I lie asleep, I had a dream come to me. This dream portrayed a barren wasteland with no natural plant life anywhere. It had all been scorched and burnt down. Among these ruins were the remains of giant, bronze trees that went on for all eternity, throught space, and possibly time itself. Amidst my bewilderment, I saw a spring that spewed forth silver waters to fill a pool that radiated with an unnatural light. In the center, there were ghostly spectres trying to fly into the heavens, but they were restrained by chains of pure gold. Around the outside of this spring, I saw several black creatures, all of which were dancing and drinking from the pool. High atop the cliff, two great wings spread open as a black dragon raised itself and blew white fire into the perpetual night. The creatures fled from around the pool, and hid behind the bronze trees. A flower had began to grow near the pool, and small blades of grass had fostered as well, the dragon blew the flames onto this new life, and the grass was burnt. The flower, however, had been fostered on the silver waters and did not give in to the flames. The dragon then folded its wings and returned to its slumber.

As Life Ends

2005-08-23T05:41:00.000-07:00

If no one leaves life truly happy then everyone should be left haunting this material plane.

But in death there is release,
It brings freedom from material wants,
Only true hurts would be left,
So only few would be haunting.

If no one leaves with complete purity of mind then heaven can't exist, there must only be hell.

But if everything in this world
Is equal and opposite,
If hell exists then so must heaven,
And purity is an opinion anyway.

To see the white light shining requires a mind to think and with Death's hand approaching no

senses are working.
But until he touches
Functions are just fine,
Until he touches
Senses are still working.

And that flashing isn't life, it's just Death's sharpened scythe, cutting you free from this bleak life.

Life isn't boring
Unless you make it that way.
Only you can make it
What you want...

...

2005-08-19T05:57:00.000-07:00

haven't been on for a while I know o.O

Everytime I meant to come on and post I completely forgot. Anyway, some new stuff over next few days I hope

the memory makes it special

2005-08-06T00:34:00.000-07:00

While sitting on our school's steps, I looked into my pocket and found the ticket from the movie theatre. Someone looked at it and told me I should just throw it away. I didn't pay much attention, I looked at the ticket and a smile spread across my face as I put it in my wallet to keep with me. This seems pointless, but memories mean more to the people that have had them, than the people that have heard them.

perfect arc

2005-07-20T20:46:00.000-07:00

"A perfect arc stands before me as i glance onward into the darkness, behind me is another arc. I stand between, everywhere and nowhere at once. The sensation of power rushes through me as I make my decision, I step out into the darkness and I can see the light ahead of me fade. Behind me, The arc has also faded. There i am alone in Darkness. I reach out to grasp what isn't there. I am beginning to suffocate. Each breath begins to become harder and harder. I continue on, struggling. As i make my way in the direction that I was headed, I find myself again between two arcs. I make another decision and continue on. I go through the same things and return to my start. I am forever trapped in a circle of my life. There is no way out. There is only hardship and having to start over after everything is lost."

my depressiveness leaking out

2005-07-03T13:23:00.000-07:00

Pain seeps through my body,
Like sap through trees,
Burns through my veins,
And out with my blood when that knife touches me.

I can feel a dark pulse through my heart,
And pull me through to unconciousness,
My head throbs like an unbearable fire,
And my vision blurs so eveything is night,
This is my depression.

another day...

2005-06-28T15:30:00.000-07:00

well its been quite a day, ever had your dreams destroy, i have but it means my nightmares are prevented. for now anyway. i fear i have seen the dark side of humanity to many times . but yet i still come back for more. my mind for the past month has warped my senses and feelings and caused them to cease, it may have changed me for better or worse but until i begin to love again i will never know. so take deep breath put on a brave face and look at the world though jaded eyes

just a rant to yeah

2005-06-19T23:52:00.000-07:00

"wla ka bang gustong gawin sa buhay mo kundi...blah blah"
I hate this phrase. How many times have I heard people endlessly mumble this phrase to people as if it made any sense at all?

For instance, I enjoy playing videogames, and someone else doesn't. They think I'm 'wasting my time' so they tell me to 'get a life'.

I have one thing I need to say. I can live my life however the hell I want. If I'm happy, what else matters? If I enjoyed lying in bed doing nothing, who are you to say that I am not spending my life correctly?

I do believe there is a delicate balance of social activities that can make the difference between a mentally healthy person and someone so depressed they cannot function. But this kind of criticism is completely foundationless. It's like you expect a depressed socially inept teenager to run outside and start socializing, or a depressed hobo to drastically change his/her life and become a millionaire. How do you "get a life"?

Some Filipinos can be so fortunate to live in the conditions they have , yet they have one of the highest suicide rates in the world. This is not the sign of a happy country. How is it that some poor people with hardly anything in Philippines can live so happily with hardly anything, and yet Filipinos be so depressed?

What does that have to do with anything, you say?
Happiness = Life.

It has to do with what we consider 'having a life'. What do people really mean by this? I'm sick and tired of people saying this. I'm not saying we should all throw away our posessions and return to the stone age or something. I'm just saying that I believe what we percieve as 'having a life' can be twisted. So am I right in responding "go to hell" when told to get a life, when I'm totally content with who I am? Not that I'm ever told this.. I haven't been told that in a long time.

I just really hate it when people throw that phrase around. Everyone has a life, and they can choose to do whatever they want with it.

As long as you have no regrets at the end, you've lived a good life.

finally something is up

2005-06-17T01:08:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna start to post some poems I have. That could take a while, Anyway, I got this poem up that I had saved in Notepad on my PC. Apart from that I'll start to type my other poems later. You never know, I might get some recognition.

Anyway, college starts again, so expect more poetry as I write randomly in my boring Chemistry lessons.. hehe

I'm sick of every word
Spewed from rotten swamps of rancid dreams
Sick of all the putrid air
Slowly taking all my life
Can't breathe anymore without polluting myself
Thoughts of you plague my every breath
So I ask myself,
Why must I feel this way still?
If flowers would rip up,
They'd brighten even this malignant mud
I could grow with them,
But nothing blooms here
Within these shadows not even demons would growl
This blighted land would never let the shoots through
So I ask myself again,
Why must I feel this way still?
Because every time this pen strokes,
All it ever does is prove me wrong
Had I truly forgotten you,
There would be no need for this writtings
I wish all my words could be true,
That way my thoughts could forsake you
But over and over all I do is try and fail
But I will forget, I think..

my dramatical intro

2005-06-14T20:19:00.000-07:00

Wondering what would happen

I've been looking for a life, a place to stay, a girl to home with and be comfortable with. I have been through so many stages of hardship, cruelty, torturous pain at times. I made it, I finally made it. I have not many friends, and no love or faith in myself. So I spend my time at work, and spend my time on the internet. I've wondered what it would be like to die. To bleed my blood over all that I work hard for. I have tried. But I haven't figured the best way to leave. Should I slit my throat? Should I slit my wrists? Hang myself? I feel nothing. Love isn't ever there. I want to leave and stop this pain, I want to forget.

The last tears

I cry many nights. When I was a boy. I never cried, I was too scared to even think about a family, a friend, not one. I could only think of death. Discrimination. Racism. Everything I hadn't fully understood at that time. But now I do cry. I understand I had nothing. I am nothing.I took my time, while in bed, or under serious thoughts, to sketch. In my personal opinion, to sketch about suicide at the young age of only 14....its not nice.

My Perspective of life

What does life mean, really? Is there any major definition to it? Is it created for a purpose? My perspective of life is that 'He' has given us all a minor playing part. Bayani as a comedian. Balagtas for a novelist. Juan Luna as a painter. I have thought of what my purpose. But I realised, what if I haven't got a purpose, a play, what if im a limited model? A person, creation, in which God tests on. Is this why I am in pain every night. Is it because of her?I think so too.

Am I satanically gifted..?

Heartbeats of rage and fury tamper with the gage I live upon. I can’t control myself, it isn’t me who wants to hurt people, who wants to make people cry. I just want a normal life, and everyone else to understand what I have suffered. I may not be the only one, but out of a rare group, I have seen friends commit suicide; I have been tortured with more mental cruelty than anyone can stand. My brothers saw evil in my eyes, sin in my voice, Satan in my blood. They hated me. Hated what I was.

Opinions can't see the truth

Many have their own opinion. But when love is fighting sin and evil, it is out-numbered in my life. People I love get hurt because of my beliefs and troubles, I have sworn never to hate again. I can feel the lust trying to burn through, but I can’t let it happen. Never again.